


Loss

by Sissytobitch10seconds



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alpha Amy Santiago, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, Loss, Love, Married Couple, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Jake Peralta, Pregnancy, Sad, getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:40:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22298722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sissytobitch10seconds/pseuds/Sissytobitch10seconds
Summary: Jake and Amy take a step forward in learning how to deal with their loss.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This fic goes into graphic detail of a miscarriage, mourning, grief, and loss. If you are not comfortable with any of these things please click away.  
> DISCLAIMER: I have never gone through a miscarriage nor have I been close to anyone that's had one. The details may not be exactly true to real life.
> 
> I was reading another fic when the inspiration for this one hit me in the face. I didn't mean for it to end up being this long but it just happened. I think that this fic is one of the saddest that I have ever written. That being said, I hope that you all still like it!
> 
> Stay sissy and bitchy everyone! <3

Amy didn’t know how to react, which was completely new for her. She was intelligent and well experienced when it came to a multitude of situations, but she had never even known anyone who had been through something like this. 

She walked through the silent house slowly, her eyes drifting over every object that laid around collecting dust. Neither of them had the energy to clean anything up after what had happened. She picked up the rattle that Terry had given them when they had announced that they were expecting. The alpha smiled sadly at the object and bit her lip to try and fight back the tears that began to rush down her face.

* * *

_ “Dismissed,” Captain Holt said as he gathered up his papers from his podium before he got ready to leave. _

_ “Actually, Captain,” Amy said as she got out of her chair. Jake stood up from where he had been sitting next to her. He moved slowly so that he didn’t aggravate his already tender stomach. “Jake and I have an announcement to make!” she grinned, wrapping her arms around his and leaning into him happily. _

_ “We’re pregnant!” he blurted out happily, placing his hand over his stomach. _

_ “No way!” Charles shouted as he stood up from his chair. His eyes were as big as dinner plates as he rushed to them. As soon as Jake nodded in affirmation he wrapped his arms around them and shouted, “I’m going to be an uncle! Finally!” _

_ “Oh my God, Jake! I thought you were better than this,” Gina complained. “Now I’m going to have to be there when you’re doing all of those gross pregnancy things. At least when Terry had his kids he had the decency to not be the one knocked up.” _

_ “Gina,” Jake sighed, rubbing his brow at his childhood friend’s borderline rude behavior. _

_ “Congratulations you guys,” the Sargent smiled as he walked back in. He handed them a box that was wrapped neatly with a pretty bow on the top. “I was going to give this to my niece for her six month birthday, but I think that you two should have it. Think of it as a little extra something from one parent to another.” _

_ “Oh, that’s sweet,” Jake grinned. Tears collected in his eyes as he took the box and removed the ribbon around it by tugging on a part of it. He slipped the top off and pulled out a tiny baby rattle. He sniffled as he looked over the object, “It’s so cute.” _

_ “Are you crying?” Rosa asked with a scoff.  _

_ “It’s the hormones,” he replied, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Amy pulled a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to her mate. She had begun to carry them around when Jake had started bursting into tears about anything and everything. _

_ “Thank you so much, Sarge,” she giggled as she took the rattle into her hand. It was a pretty, soft blue color with yellow for the handle. It had a picture of some cartoon character that she couldn’t recognize for the moment. “I’m sure that the baby will love it too. Once he’s here.” _

* * *

Amy released a breathy laugh that forced its way out of her chest like it was being forcibly squeezed out of her. She placed her elbows on her knees and used her hands to support her face. The pain ripped through her entire being as if some wild animal was gnawing at her soul. She let herself cry for some time, but she didn’t keep track of how long anymore. In the beginning, she had since she only allowed herself specific times to mourn so that she could remain strong for her omega.

As her mind strayed to Jake she realized that she should check on how he was doing. For as much as she was hurting, she knew that his pain was thousands of times worse than hers. She stood up from the couch and walked through the overly silent halls to their bedroom. She had been hoping that soon those halls would be filled with the sounds of childish laughter or even the screaming cries of their eldest baby, but her wishes couldn’t come true just yet.

She leaned on the frame of the door and looked in on her omega who was buried under a mountain of blankets. They had once been part of his nest that he had been building while they prepared to invite the new member of their family into their lives before…

She shuddered and pursed her lips to try and forget his pained screams. There had been more blood in the bathtub that night than when she had shot him down in Florida.

“Jake?” she asked, her voice soft and comforting as she didn’t dare come closer.

“Go away,” he whispered. His voice was coarse and rough since he had been crying for hours. Amy wasn’t sure that he had ever stopped since their fears had been confirmed by the doctor.

“Please don’t push me away,” she mumbled, her voice breaking in her desperation to get closer to her mate. “I know that you’re hurting a lot more than I can ever understand, but you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“No, Amy,” he snapped as he wiggled his way out of the cocoon. She caught the smell radiating off of him and let out a whimper of want. Her alpha instincts were beginning to go haywire as she wanted nothing more than to bring her omega into her lap and hold him until the smell of depression and sadness finally dissipated.

“I lost our baby,” he choked out, tears brimming in his baby browns once more. “What kind of an omega am I if I can’t even keep my baby alive while I’m pregnant?”

“Jake,” she breathed as she rushed over to him. She knelt next to the bed in front of him and grabbed his hands from where they were lying helplessly in his lap. 

“What?” he asked, staring down at their joined hands. He couldn’t bring himself to look in her eyes. He didn’t want to see what kinds of emotions would be there. 

“I know how hard this must be for you. I know that you feel disappointed in yourself and think that I’m mad, but I’m not. I’m hurting too,” she whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,” he sobbed, another batch of tears running down his face. His body began to tremble like a leaf in the wind while he tried to contain his sobs.

“That’s not what I meant,” she replied. She sat down next to him on the bed and placed one arm behind him while the other slipped under his legs. She placed him into her lap and exposed her neck to her mate. He turned and buried his face into her scent gland while he began to cry again. She leaned her head onto his shoulder and began to cry as well.

They sat there in each other’s arms for a long while. Long enough that the sun had disappeared behind the towering, shimmering buildings of New York. 

“Jake,” Amy whispered, bringing his face out of her neck. She ran her thumb under his eye as she cupped his cheek. “This isn’t going to get any easier. I know that. I don’t think any parents will get over the death of their child, even if we never got to meet him officially. But you don’t have to put yourself through this pain alone. We can learn how to deal with this together. Okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered, nodding in agreement.

She gave him a soft smile and pressed her forehead against his. “Let’s go shower, okay?” she said, moving him off of her lap. Amy stood up from the bed and offered her hands to him. Jake placed his quiver palms against hers and allowed himself to be pulled up from the bed.

“The blood is gone, right?” he asked softly as he followed her to the bathroom.

“I washed it out the night we got home from the hospital since I couldn’t sleep,” she nodded in affirmation. “If you want we could move,” she offered. “If the memories are too much.”

“No. I want to try and get better first,” he said, the firm determination she remembered coming back to him. 

“Okay,” she nodded. He sat on the toilet and stared numbly at the wall while she waited for the water in the shower to heat up. She had to keep her eyes away from the bloodstain in the bottom of the tub. Amy turned back to her mate and let her hands nimbly move underneath his shirt to pull it above his head. 

He let her and then moved his hands down to his pants to start undressing. Amy removed her clothing and placed all of the items into the hamper that they had in the bathroom.

“How big do you think I would have been by now?” Jake asked, looking down at his flat stomach. His eyes slowly moved to the mirror as he turned to the side just like he had a month ago.

* * *

_ “Hey, I think you can already see something!” Jake grinned. He had his shirt pulled up over his bra as he turned this way and that in the bathroom mirror. _

_ Amy laughed as she poked her head into the bathroom to see what he was doing. “Jake, you’re only two months along,” she chuckled, placing her hands over his stomach.  _

_ “But you can see something, right?” he asked excitedly, letting his shirt fall from where he had been holding it. _

_ She frowned and lifted his shirt so that she could see his stomach again. Jake had never been the fittest person in the world, but he certainly didn’t have any chub. However, the longer that she looked down at his stomach the longer she could see the peaking bump that was beginning to form. “You know, I can see it,” she whispered, her smile breaking her face as she looked from the bump to her omega. _

_ “We’re having a baby! The baby is growing! That’s so cool!” he grinned, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. She giggled excitedly and then tilted her head back as she kissed her omega passionately. _

_ “We’re going to have a baby, Jake,” she whispered reverently as it sunk in all over again. She had been this excited when she saw those two pink lines on the test and when they had seen the jelly bean shape of their baby on the ultrasound, and when they heard his heartbeat on the doppler during their first appointment.  _

_ “I’m so excited,” he grinned as he placed his hand on top of her and pressed their foreheads together. “We’re gonna be the best parents.” _

_ “Damn straight,” she smirked as she darted in to kiss his lips. “The best.” _

* * *

“Jake…” she murmured as she walked up behind him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her hand on his shoulder. She could feel her dick pressing up against his ass, which would have normally been an instant turn on for her but she hadn’t wanted anything of the sort since everything had happened.

“No. I want to know,” he said, pulling out of her arms. “I want to know what it would have been like if I hadn’t been stupid.”

“I thought that we were going to try and get better,” she replied.

“It will help,” he tried to insist but she could see the self-loathing that boiled deep inside of him. 

“No, it won’t. What will help is getting back into a routine and some self-care? If you want, we can talk about it after dinner,” she offered. She stuck her hand under the shower stream and once she determined it to be hot enough she pulled him under.

“Okay,” he agreed as he followed her into the tub. She took the showerhead off of the holder and turned it on her mate, carefully spraying him with warm water to get him damp. She wet herself down as well before she placed it back where it was. 

“Amy, why do you think it happened to us?” he asked, voice small and unsure as he spoke.

“I don’t know,” she responded softly. She bent over and grabbed his shampoo. She squirted some onto her hand and then began to lather up his dark-colored curls. She enjoyed the feeling of her hands running through her hair but she adored the feeling of taking care of her hurting omega.

“Sometimes, bad things just happen,” she murmured as she tilted his hand back just enough to make sure that she didn’t get the soap into his eyes as she rinsed his hair.

“I feel like this is my fault somehow. Like, I did something bad in a past life and this is the universe’s way of punishing me,” he whispered as he leaned into her touch. A gentle purr began to emit from his throat the more time that he spent with her.

“That doesn’t sound like something you’d say. Did Gina say that?” she asked as she resisted the urge to growl.

“No. I’ve been reading stuff online while you’re at work,” he replied sheepishly.

“We can’t control what life chooses to throw at us, sweetheart,” she said as she turned him around and began to cover the laufa in body wash.

“If we could then I wouldn’t have lost the baby,” he replied bitterly.

“Yes, but we did. And it’s not your fault. Making a human is a hard thing to do and sometimes people’s bodies just can’t do it right,” she replied as she began to rub the soap covered item over her mate.

“I guess that’s true,” he sighed in reply. Amy fell silent as she washed over his body carefully and lovingly. As she got closer to the base of the tub she saw the bloodstain and wasn’t able to fight the memory back.

* * *

_ “Amy! Amy!” Jake screamed from the bedroom. The alpha dropped what she had been doing and raced through the house. She mentally cursed herself as the entire apartment smelled so strongly of distress and pain that she should have been able to smell it beforehand. She had been cooking curry for Jake since that’s what his newest craving had been. _

_ “Jake?” she asked, out of breath with panic as she reached their bedroom. A scream tore through her as one of her hands went up to cover her mouth. The sheets bellow Jake were covered in thick, red blood that just kept coming and coming. _

_ “Oh God,” she whispered, rushing to the side of the bed and fretting over him. _

_ “It hurts so bad, alpha,” he whined, slipping fully into his omega mindset now that she was there. She pushed away her instincts and focused on treating him just like she would an injured civilian. She picked him up and got him into the tub so that he wouldn’t bleed on the bed anymore and it would be easier to tell how much blood he lost. Once he was in there she grabbed her phone, ignoring the fact that the thick substance was all over her hands. _

_ “911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked once the call went through. _

_ “My mate is bleeding profusely,” she replied, shaking as she reached over and began to brush Jake’s hair away from his face. _

_ “I’m already sending an ambulance your way. Do you know from where?” they asked.  _

_ “I think it’s… from his opening,” she choked out as she watched her beloved mate and husband writhe around in pain. _

_ “Is he pregnant? Is there a possibility that it could have been pregnant?” they asked, their voice taking a sharp turn from the professional tone before, to a pitying type of tone. _

_ “He-he is pregnant,” Amy swallowed the ball in her throat. She couldn’t start crying now. She had to be strong for her mate.  _

_ “I see. How long has he been bleeding? And how much blood is there?” the operator turned back to the strict professional questions. _

_ “I don’t know how long he’s been bleeding. He was napping in our bedroom and when he called me in, there was blood everywhere,” she replied, panic rushing into her every being as she realized what was happening. _

_ “Alpha!” Jake cried as the pain spiked and worsened. _

_ “I’m here, Jake,” she soothed, kissing his forehead while her hands continued to run through his hair. “There’s a lot of blood. It’s everywhere. Please send help.” _

_ “The ambulance should be there soon. Do you want to stay on the line with me or will you be okay until the ambulance arrives?” the operator asked. _

_ “I’ll be fine,” she snapped in reply before she ended the call. She continued to pet Jake’s hair and kiss his forehead until the EMT’s showed up and lifted him from the bathtub and onto the stretcher. She jogged alongside them and held her omega’s hand as they got him into the ambulance.  _

_ He was sobbing with pain and screaming as each contraction like pain tore through his abdomen. The medics did all they could to try and figure out what was going on, but they were only really able to tell once they got to the hospital. By then it was far too late to try and fix anything. _

* * *

“You okay, alpha?” she asked as he gently helped her to her feet. She nodded and pursed her lips as she tried not to cry.

“Hey, Ames,” he cooed, brushed his hand over her face. “I’m sorry I tried to push you away, he was your baby too and this hurt us both.”

“You know how you said that you were doing some reading? I did some reading too,” she said as she leaned into the touch of his fingers in her hair. She missed being so intimate and honest with her mate, something that they hadn’t been since the incident a month ago.

“What did you read?” he asked as he brought the sprayer down and began to rinse out her hair.

“I read that omegas take miscarriages and stillbirths a lot harder than their mates because of their natural instincts,” she replied. “I don’t really remember the article,” she laughed it off as she got out of the tub and handed her mate a towel. She flipped her hair over and did it up in what her mate always called a ‘lady towel.’ 

“That’s weird. You always remember things,” he said as he dried himself off fully. He glanced down at the fabric in his hands and smiled softly, “No blood this time.”

“That’s good!” she grinned as she took his hand in her own. “This is progress on getting back together physically.”

He just smiled and followed her as she led him through the house. They stayed silent as they got dressed and then went to the kitchen. While they normally would be joking around and teasing each other, they were silent as they made dinner too.

However, once they sat in the living room with Die Hard playing Jake spoke up. “How have things been doing at the Nine-Nine?”

“We miss you. A lot. Charles brought an entire jar of pickled beets and ate them with a spoon once. He misses his best friend,” Amy said softly. She reached over and rubbed his knee gently.

“I miss them all too,” he sighed.

“Then why don’t you come back? The doctor cleared you for work a week ago.”

Jake was completely silent for a moment, Amy wasn’t even sure that he was breathing. Luckily the movie kept the house from being doused in the stifling silence that had echoed through it for weeks beforehand. “I don’t want to see their pity.”

“Jake-” Amy began, turning to face him on the couch.

“No, Ames,” he said, setting his plate of food down on the coffee table. She was glad to see that he had eaten all of his food instead of picking at half of it like he normally did. “You don’t see them but whenever people look at me they pity me. I thought that it would just be something that happened in the hospital but then it kept happening whenever people visited me here. Which is why I made everyone stop coming.”

“I-I didn’t know,” she whispered, looking down at her food.

“I hate the fact that people think I need pity. I lost my baby. And yeah, that fucking sucks, but that doesn’t make me some weak omega that needs to be handled like glass.”

“No, losing the baby didn’t make you any less strong. When we were sitting in the hospital, I think you were the strongest you’ve ever been,” she said, threading their fingers together.

“I’ve been really fucked up for the past month, but I am getting better, Ames. Today has helped,” he smiled gently at her. 

“Maybe we can try and start up a routine so that we can get back to normal,” she suggested as she tucked her legs under her and leaned into her mate.

“I think that I should go to therapy. I know that I stopped last year since my dad stuff got resolved, but I need it again. We both too. I can hear you crying when you’re in here at night,” he whispered as he leaned over and began to kiss her head.

“I think that couple therapy is a good idea. It’ll help us get over the loss,” Amy nodded in affirmation. “So tomorrow, we’ll shower and then go to work, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. She grinned and gently kissed her omega’s lips. It was short and sweet since they had both fallen so far out of intimacy that they weren’t sure what they were supposed to be doing anymore.

They ended that night curled up in their bed, which had a new mattress since the other was completely ruined. Jake had his face pressed into her neck while her chin rested on the top of his head. One of her arms was trapped underneath him but she didn’t mind as her omega was finally, finally in her arms. Jake was purring lazily as he cuddled into her while tangling their legs together.

It would still be a hard road to learning to live with this new hurt, but they were both strong. And they were on their way to recovery and normalcy. 

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> I would love to hear what you guys thought of this and if there's anything specific that you want to see me write!   
> Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3


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